Humorous Quotations
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. [James Thurber]
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis. [Margaret Bonnano]
I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. [Charles Schultz.]
I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building. [Charles Schultz]
There is more to life than increasing its speed. [Mahatma Ghandi]
Life is what happens while you’re making other plans. [John Lennon]
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. [Paul Fix]
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. [Dorothy Parker]
Only the mediocre are always at their best. [Jean Giraudoux]
I’m going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose. [S.I. Hayakawa]
Is life worth living? That depends on the liver. [unknown]
Wit is educated insolence [Aristotle]
He who laughs, lasts. [Mary Pettibone Poole]
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance [Oscar Wilde]
Like all self-made men he worships his creator [unknown]
There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate. [unknown]
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. [Sam Levenson]
Love is an emotion of expenses entirely surrounded by expenses [Lord Dewar]
I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven’t had time for tobacco since. [Arturo Toscanini]
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all. [Samuel Butler]
It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him. [Helen Rowland]
And that’s the world in a nutshell -- an appropriate receptacle. [Stan Dunn]
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? [The Goon Show]
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. [Bertrand Russell]
Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. [Zsa Zsa Gabor]
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it. [John W. Raper]
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent. [Jean Kerr]
Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care. [William Safire]
The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success. [unknown]
Better that a girl has beauty than brains, because boys see better than they think. [unknown]
Honest critism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. [Franklin P. Jones]
A man is known by the company he avoids. [unknown]
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. [unknown]
If I love you, what business is it of yours? [Johann von Goethe]
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. [Zsa Zsa Gabor]
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. [Helen Rowland]
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. [Charlotte Whitton]
The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it. [Napoleon]
Good advice is one of those insults which ought to be forgiven. [unknown]
Isn’t there any other part of the Matzo you can eat? [Marilyn Monroe on being served matzo ball soup three meals in a row]
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. [Calvin Trillon]
We’re all in this alone. [Lily Tomlin]
Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? [Karl Kraus]
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. [Samuel Johnson]
A person can take only so much comforting. [Calvin Trillin]
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. [Richard Diran]
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. [Mark Twain]
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. [Ingrid Bergman]
There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton restless. [unknown]
One hundred thousand lemmings can’t be wrong. [graffito]
There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the dead. [Lord Thomas Robert Dewar]
Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five. [Joel Hildebrand]
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. [Natalie Wood]
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question. [Albert Camus]
We are all born charming, fresh, and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society. [Miss Manners (Judith Martin)]
Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other. [René Yasenek]
The waist is a terrible thing to mind. [Ziggy (Tom Wilson)]
Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere. [G.K. Chesterton]
Originality is the art of concealing your sources. [unknown]
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. [W. Somerset Maugham]
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. [Mark Twain]
Never mistake motion for action. [Ernest Hemmingway]
Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person. [unknown]
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde ... dyed by her own hand. [Saul Bellow]
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. [unknown]
You have to live life to love life, and you have to love life to live life. It’s a vicious circle. [unknown]
If you want a place in the sun, you must leave the shade of the family tree. [Osage saying]
In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular. [Kathleen Norris]
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. [Lily Thomlin]
“That would be nice.” [Charlie Brown on hearing that in life you win some and lose some. (Charles Schulz)]
The more unpredictable the world becomes, the more we rely on predictions. [Steve Rivkin]
You’ve got to take the bitter with the sour. [Samuel Goldwyn]
Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry. [unknown]
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. [Steven Wright]
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason -- there’s a reason. [Molly McGee]
Talking with a man is like trying to saddle a cow. You work like hell, but what’s the point? [Gladys Upham]
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. [Oscar Levant]
I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it. [Garry Shandling]
When confronted with two evils, a man will always choose the prettier. [unknown]
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. [Rodney Dangerfield]
My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside. [Roseanne Barr]
Before I was married I had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories. [John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester]
When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. [Erma Bombeck]
Reasoning with a child is fine if you can reach the child’s reason without destroying your own. [John Mason Brown]
If you want to recapture your youth, cut off his allowance. [Al Bernstein]
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying. [Fran Leibowitz]
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. [Jerry Seinfeld]
Parents are not interested in justice, they are interested in quiet. [Bill Cosby]
My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family. [Emo Philips]
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. [Saturday Night Live]
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something. [Plato]
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. [Robert Benchley]
A clear conscience is often the sign of a bad memory. [unknown]
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle, even though it wasn’t mine. [Rita Rudner]