Paris Hotel, "Please leave your values at the desk."

Bangkok dry cleaner, "Drop your trousers here for best results."

Austrian ski resort, "Not to preambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

Acapulco hotel, "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

Tokyo hotel, "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not a person to do such a thing please not to read notice."

Another Tokyo hotel, "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

German campsite, "It is strictly forbidden on our camp site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent, unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

Zurich hotel, "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

Bangkok temple, "It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man."

A Paris boutique advertised, "dresses for street walking."

Norwegian cocktail lounge, "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

A Rome doctor specialized in "women and other diseases."

A Swedish furrier offered coats "made for ladies from their own skin."

Prague tourist agency, "Take one of our horse-driven city tours.  We guarantee no miscarriages."

Tokyo car rental agency, "When passenger of foot heaves into sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."

A dentist in Hong Kong advertised tooth extractions "using the latest Methodists."

A Greek tailor who couldn't guarantee he could finish summer suits ordered by tourists:  "Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Budapest zoo, "Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Hungarian hotel, "The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

A Copenhagen airport "takes your bags and sends them in all directions."

A Swiss eatery proudly warns, "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

From Moscow, "You are welcome to visit the cemetery, where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

A laundry in Rome, "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."