Previous Story Story Index Story Notes Next Story
Frolickingly Fractured Fables
Or
Who's On the Lord's Side, Who?
by Dale Neibaur
Written for Vivian Beattie's Humanities class, 1974
Once upon a time there was this chick named Pandora. At least I think it was Pandora, though some old records claim the name may have been Eve. Old records tend to be unclear on such points. But it really doesn’t matter.
Anyway, this lady was made out of ground (or perhaps a rib) and brought to Ephimetheus (but maybe it was Adam) for approval. Whatever the guy’s name was, he liked what he saw! See, what’s-her-name was an experimental model, first of her kind on the market. She was custom built by a craftsman named God or Vulcan or something. The old records tend to be ambiguous about names, and about motives. Some claim God was only ribbing Adam when he made Eve. It probably doesn't matter.
Anyway, this chick must have been one hunk of woman because she and what's-his-name hit it right off. This girl had all the options built right in. And she sported a classy chassis. This was no shoddy workmanship, but a real custom job. You gotta give credit to the guys in the engineering department that designed her, as well as to the guy that built her, whatever his name and occupation.
Adam/Prometheus and Eve/Pandora got along perfectly right from the start. They were in paradise! Absolutely nothing could mar their happiness, or so they thought. But like all first models (heck, like all models!), Eve didn’t quite have all the bugs worked out yet. See, she had this box, and she had these apples, and she had this snake -- or at least she had something. The records never seem to be clear on these points. It may be she had a snake in a box who ate apples, or perhaps the snake carried the box (unlikely as that sounds). I personally have conjectured that it was simply a box full of wormy apples. Women always overreact to anything long and slimy, and you know how stories grow.
Anyway, something or other happened, and Eve found a recipe for apple pie. Some learned scholars maintain that it was Motherhood and Apple Pie, but let's leave politics out of this. The records are never complete on these really interesting points. What does seem clear is that she opened the box and ate the apples, worms and all! Now the Designers Upstairs had expressly forbidden apple pie (and maybe even motherhood) as an item on any local menu. For Eve to even think of such a thing was a clear violation of her pre-programming. But there you have it. Even the best pieces of workmanship can have a few faults left in the prototype models.
Where was I? Oh, yes … The chick got this uncontrollable urge to have some apple pie. The story gets very complex here, and the records just don’t match up the way they should. Some records suggest the pie was a take-out item prepared by the Devil. Certain sources claim that a disaster (of various descriptions) happened when Pandora opened the box and/or boxes. Still other sources cite evidence that it was indigestion from eating wormy green apples that did the ultimate damage. One source even claims that disaster struck because of the unorthodox shape of the baked confection; it claims that properly shaped, “pies are squared.” At any rate, it is clear that whatever disaster she invoked, Pandora was aided and abetted by her spouse. And whenever whatever happened happened (don't worry if it doesn't make sense; they probably didn't understand either) a whole bunch of deformed creatures burst from the pie and scattered hither and yon raising merry mischief. Some scholars of the arcane indicate the deformed creatures were actually snakes that had been trapped too long in the box; others make obscure references to four-and-twenty blackbirds. It's a shame the records aren't more clear.
At this point in what can only be construed as a hopelessly muddled story the president of Celestial Products unexpectedly arrived to examine the progress of his company's latest research project. Our two protagonists hurriedly sewed breeches from frankincense and myrrh. Dressed in their new finery they presented themselves before the boss. But the Celestial President became uncontrollably outraged when he discovered his precious golden apples of the sun had been harvested and consumed "before their time". And though the prototype unit prayed his pardon very prettily, he disbanded the project, fired the engineering crew and sent everyone packing from the park. He declared the entire garden a disaster area and sealed the entrance. He then pulled the entire Eve/Pandora line from sales and production. But he’d forgotten that his prototype model had been built with all the options. So our protagonists soon went into sweet production for themselves, raising as much cane as they were able. But that’s another story.
So our tale has a happy ending after all. Our two fine friends went off by themselves and had a wonderful time making bread from the sweat of their brows; this is an interesting but monotonous food sometimes called manna. The President reconsidered his stance and sent someone named Hope (Perhaps Bob, he seems old enough) to teach the couple the finer points of Saturday night survival. Vulcan accepted a new contract making Goodyear tires; rich living finally made a blimp of him. The serpent signed an endorsement contract with Shelby automobiles. The blackbirds formed a popular royal singing group. I never could find out what happened to the engineering staff, though. You know how records are.