Grebunski Helps with Happy Hunting
by Harold Grebunski (Dale Neibaur)
Davis Dart Volume 52 Number 10: Wednesday, March 27, 1974 page 4
A short time ago I was walking down the hallowed halls of dear old D.H.S., and I happened to notice a young gentleman(?) who had a problem. It seemed the callow fellow wished to converse with a member of the fairer sex but lacked an appropriate opening line to begin the conversation. I took pity on the lad and gave him one of my finer lines to use. But I began to wonder how many others suffered from the same problems he had.
I did a bit of watching and discovered that there were far too many people without any truly unique ways of opening a conversation. The local library didn't help much; there is a remarkable lack of any significant literary contributions on the subject of males beginning conversations with unknown females.
Being the fine writer and humanitarian I am, I feel it is my duty to right this grievous oversight. Here, then, are a few openers that should start an interesting conversation. (Note: these are meant to be used only for boy-girl beginnings. If the girls want original openings, they can write to "Dear Abbey".) The best conversation starters are either questions or profound statements. Here is a collection of my favorites, along with a few classics:
How's the weather?
I met an interesting character last week! He grows worms.
Do you come from this part of the country?
My, but the walls are perpendicular tonight!
Have you noticed how of the price of panty hose has risen lately?
Fine weather we're having.
Pardon me, but I'm standing on your foot.
Haven't we met?
We haven't met!
I'm taking a poll for Miss Clairol. Do you?
Isn't the weather nice?
Accepted any wooden nickels lately?
Are you a member of W. E. B. U.?
You looked ill! Can I help?
Did your groups have 40 percent fewer?
I just love cloudy days.
I didn't know you wore glasses! (Can be used even if she doesn't.)
What caused your learning disability?
Don't worry, I'll get the number of the truck that ran over you.
Did you flunk ----'s test again?
What's your opinion on the weather?
Does your snozdrum itch?
Don't talk, just listen. . .
Wasn't that you out behind the Ag Shop with ---- the other day?
Isn't that a green sweater you're wearing? (Even if it isn't.)
The precipitation has been incipiently overbearing of late. (For that intellectual approach.)
My, but your goiter looks fine today!
How's your ulcer?
I like you!
Have you read any good books lately?
Fine weather we haven't been having!
Have you read any bad books lately?
I know you! You're the girl in the Mr. Bubble advertisement!
Met any strange people lately?
Have you seen my pet louse? I put him on your hat a little while ago. . .
Wasn't the sun punctual this morning?
You just won the booby prize in the Irish sweepstakes, and here I am!
Do you know you're sitting on my mouse?
Do you feel women ought to be free?
Do you love me?
The weather sure it is! Isn't it?
Aren't those my pants your wearing?
Did you find a raisin in your soup? I seem to have misplaced my pet spider. . .
Why are you looking at me like that?
What do you know about homeomorphisms? Would you like to know more?
Isn't it be air breathable today?
Are you OK?
Did you see a purple gerbil go by here?
Of course, there are some among us who might not find these particular conversation gambits quite what they were looking for. To these adventuresome souls I would like to suggest a second method: flattery. Take the poetic fruit stand approach: walk up to whomever it is you wish to converse with and describe their beauties in poetic terms using the similes of the fruit stand (eyes like tomatoes, lips like cucumbers, etc.)
Well, all you lovesick swains, I've done my best to help you get off to a rousing start. Good luck and happy hunting!